Fix It: Apocalypse Movies - Legion

My spoilertastic take on the recent slew of apocalypse movies.

I've seen three apocalypse movies this week, in order of least to most sucky:


Book of Eli - 50 years after an apocalyptic war, Denzel Washington just wants to get published.

Legion - God hates us so he sends winged warriors to do us in.

Daybreakers - Vampires mass convert humans against their will, but jokes on them cuz the blood supply runs low.

Book of Eli was decent and Daybreakers was beyond help, but Legion squandered its goodwill. The movie could have been awesome had it followed these simple guidelines.

1. Less Talk. More Apocalypse.

2. More Paul Bettany. Less of Paul Bettany's clothes. If you had access to all this -

- why would you cover it up with a jacket???

3. No Paul Bettany. I changed my mind. Lose this guy. He smolders off the screen. He had more sexual chemistry with the soda dispenser than most romantic movie couples. Every time he spoke to someone, I thought he was going to make out with them. Even when he and his nemesis, the Angel Gabriel, were engaged in fisticuffs I expected Paul to palm his face and lay on a sloppy kiss. And that's bad. Because this is the apocalypse. And the apocalypse shouldn't turn me on.

4. No Tributes to Other Apocalyptic movies. This movie had blatant rip-offs of Terminator. But guess what - making me think about Terminator only reminds me how much you suck compared to a decent apocalyptic movie.

5. Don't screw with your mythology. Hordes of religious texts give you bonafide angel related apocalypse fodder which has proven popular through the millenia. Instead, you made up your own crap - as follows:

Evil Angel Gabriel: God said to kill the humans.
Paul Bettany: Nah, God doesn't know what he wants. I'm going to exercise my (nonexistent) freewill.

Humans: Are you here to save us?
Paul Bettany: No, just this pregnant chick's baby.
Audience: WHY?????
*30 minute later*
Paul Bettany: Because he's humankind's last hope.
Audience: WHY?????? WHY??? Oh...fuck it, just hurry up already.

Simpleminded Mechanic: I don't get it....why are you helping us?
Paul Bettany: Because most humans suck...but you don't. You're the reason.
Audience: KISS HIM ALREADY!

*pregnant chick delivers a baby*

Evil Angel Gabriel: Die, Paul, DIE!!!
Paul Bettany: *dies*
Gabriel: Your turn to die, baby!
Simpleminded Mechanic: Noooooooo - you can't because all these mysterious cryptic tattoos just appeared on my arm so that should count for something
Audience: Are you srsly introducing a mythological non-referenceable plot point with ten minutes to go?


Paul Bettany: I'm back! Naner, naner, I told you God didn't *really* want to kill all those humans
Evil Angel Gabriel: *hangs head in shame*

Audience: So....if God changed his mind...why is there still an apocalypse? Screw it - roll credits.