Read It: Going Bovine by Libba Bray

I adore Libba Bray.

I love her hilarious interview/trailer/promo video for Going Bovine.



And I heart this book*.

I heart it so much I can't even tell you what it's about. Not because I don't want to spoil it, but because it's about...well...it's kind of about everything.

Unremarkable 16 year old Cameron get diagnosed with mad cow disease and is gonna die in a few weeks. No treatment. No hope. Until a punk rock angel (like, with wings) tells him about a cure and he sets off on the ultimate road trip with a hypochondriac dwarf and a garden gnome/Viking god to find it.

The book made me sad and angry. Then it made me laugh. Then it gave me a couple of anxiety attacks. (If you're not comfortable with exploring the "big questions" that the book promises to tackle - what does it mean to live and to die - then be ready for some anxiety attacks.)

It made me uncomfortable and no, I didn't love every minute of it because being uncomfortable sucks but to every kidlit naysayer or literary snob who dismisses young adult literature as less than (insert whatever is "enough"), you need this book.

It's the kind of novel that lives, grows, and changes. It means one thing when you first read it, another when you consider it months later and something new when you re-read it down the road. One book - a bevy of emotions. In a tough economy, it's worth the investment!


* This is a review of the ARC

Do It: Ignore "Professional" Advice

Oprah.com featured a (hopefully unintentionally) sexist article on the University of Utah's Lisa Diamond's fight study.

On the surface, the study seems hilarious. Get a couple in the room. Tell them to talk about what they find annoying in the other person. Monitor away!

The results?

A classic "demand-withdrawal" pattern.

In which the woman "makes demands" and the man "pulls away" in order to calm himself thereby making the woman angrier and resulting in physiological stress symptoms.

Yeah, yeah, my relationship rolls like this, too.

The advice? If you're "demanding" (read, offensively, as: lacking male genitalia) then calm down, close your eyes, and come back...get this...with a smile.

Yes, yes, I know that really "winning" means keeping a happy relationship and it's pointless to win an argument and lose the war and blah blah blah but for the love of @#$#@$@$#@.

Can we dole out an action-plan for the man on this? Can the dude step up? This very article also references the cornucopia of epidemiological studies that show marriage traditionally benefits men over women because women do more of the work and heavy emotional lifting AND THEN YOU GIVE US MORE HEAVY LIFTING????

Yes, this is me angry. Yes, my heart rate is elevated. And no, I'm not going to walk away and come back with a smile.

Do It: Fake It Til You Make It

And by "It" I mean happiness.

For several reasons.

(1) Feigning happiness can sometimes make you actually happy.

(2) If you're unhappy now - wait. When you get old, you're going to be happy again.

(3) Being happy is correlated to longer life, so if you just suck it up, you can get to #2.

(4) Right now, unhappy, you're kind of a drag.

Footnotes

- This doesn't apply to clinical depression and other psychological disorders. Obviously. If you need help - get it.

(1) Studies have shown feigning certain positive emotions leads to experiencing them.

(2) A couple months ago, researchers published a study in Science Direct that concluded happiness is U-shaped. As in you're born. You're happy. You get less happy. You get old. You get more happy.

(3) There's a gabillion studies correlating life expectancy and happiness. Feel free to troll the Gerontology journals going back to the 60's.

(4) I didn't look for a study on this. But it's true.

Be It: The Pathetic Blonde Sidekick

Do Blondes Have More Fun?

Not on the CW Network.

Both Fall 2009 debuts of Melrose Place and The Vampire Diaries feature Blondes as sloppy seconds to gorgeous Brunettes who get the guy as their light-haired sisters sit back in unrequited angst.

These Blondes are played gorgeous actresses (Katie Cassidy and Candice Accola respectively) and are written as sassy, fun, mostly likeable characters - so what gives?

In fact, The Vampire Diaries novels written by LJ Smith feature a blonde heroine who was cast as brunette in the TV Series, punctuating the trend even more.

Does the CW believe casting Blondes in second chair really defies stereotype?

Watch IT: Vampire Diaries redux

For all my posturing over last week's show, I'm thoroughly addicted to The Vampire Diaries. I've probably watched it over twenty times since last week (yeah, that's like...twice a day...every day).

A few things that still got on my nerves:

1. Synchronous diary readings

2. Describing the primary relationship as "epic" - this would have totally worked were I not already committed to another "epic" relationship - that of Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls

3. The appearance of only ONE teacher in the entire friggin' high school that teaches every class and every student

I also noticed that my personal attraction meter does not extend to the male vampire lead nor the football jock. In fact, I kinda only have the hots for:

1. The bloodthirsty, murderous killer vampire (Iam Somerhalder)

2. The addicted drug pusher (Little Bro)

Yeah, I have issues. I'll work on them.

But what's working? What's working so awesome that I need to mainline The Vampire Diaries??

1. The female bffs. I'm digging how they're friends. Like real, functional friends. Or as functional as a psychic witch and an orphan vampire-magnet can get.

2. Ian Somerhalder. This guy's working it BIG time.

3. The familial drama. No after school one-episode drug special for this show. Little Bro's not getting clean anytime soon.

Now get outta here - I gotta get my repeat viewing on.

Watch It: The Beautiful Life: TBL

Top 10 Things I learned from watching The Beautiful Life: TBL.

1. Apparently I need help abbreviating show titles. The mere fact that I'd turned Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles into TSSC was sheer luck. I never would have gotten The Beautiful Life down to three letters on my own.

2. Models. Are bitches. Good ones stomp on the runway. And really good ones live half their professional life in slow motion.

3. Hot Iowa farmboys get scouted by modeling agents - but *only* if they first demonstrate good ol' fashioned values - like respect for the working class. They'll then get amazing modeling gigs. But only if they show good ol' fashioned gumption - like punching out a guy who is trying to make them trade sex for fame.

4. Modelling terms like "go-see" are to be introduced but not explained. You better also watch American's Next Top Model or copious amounts of television to be truly hip to this show.

5. Untucking your shirt from your pants and cuffing your jacket sleeves is the male equivalent of taking off your glasses and undoing your ponytail : hot-boy gold!

6. Ian Somerhalder is friggin' fly (sorry, The Vampire Diaries ad came on)

7. All models have daddy issues. That's why they model.

8. Calle Ocho is the most overexposed song of the fall 2009 season. But I don't mind

9. Cougars are the most overexposed phenomenon of the fall 2009 season. Verdict's still out on them.

10. If you're a model with a heart of gold, then you're not like other models. You're spyeshial. In fact, if you exhibit any kind of heart at all, you're as rare as Sasquatch. Most people are heartless, spineless, soulless wastes of space.

Cook With It: Bacon

The first time I prepared brussels sprouts for the in-laws their response was, "Uh...great...uh...thanks...brussels sprouts...." but then they ate my brussels sprouts and there was much brussels sprouts rejoicing in the land.

(thx to daily green for the pic)

My friend EC signed up for one of those delivery veggi boxes and was dismayed at the amount of chard and kale and other such wintery leafy greens. "Whatever will I do with these?" she asked. And I told her. And there was much rejoining in that land, too.

(thx to yumsugar for the pic)

The answer to the quintissential problem: I wanna eat better but don't want it to taste worse?

Bacon, my friends. Bacon. Or pancetta. Or any kind of cured meat. Whatever. If it's salty and fatty and meaty then it'll probably work. It can even be vegan if it needs to be and will do more help than harm.

Don't feel guilty about this. Plenty o' fat soluble vitamins are delivered in greens and you need fat to process them. Or something. I dunno, I'm not a nutritionist but it sounds right.

Other places to enjoy bacon? In chocolate. On pizza. With white bread and mayo. In a turducken.

I didn't put a picture of bacon here because seeing bacon makes me want to eat bacon and I'm in the middle of a bout of food poisoning. Consider it self preservation. But you - you look fine. Go get yourself some bacon and start eating better today.

Watch It: True Blood Finale

Maybe you were caught up in the Beyonce-Taylor Swift-Kanye West VMA drama (aka Westgate) or maybe you decided to set aside real world drama for fiction.

The True Blood Season Two finale was worthy of, and I credit my friend for this, a Korean soap opera.

Eggs guilt ridden confession is misinterpreted by well meaning Jason who shoots to kill. Hoyt and Jessica pass like two ships in the night, their reconciliation ruined by mere miles as she continues on to make a terrible and fatal (for some other dude) decision. Sookie and Bill miss tying the knot so she can powder her nose, allowing a mystery intruder to noose his neck. Ah yes, all that's missing is Korean music that makes you want to kill yourself.




I'm sure age-appropriate households all across the country were clustered on the couch in front of the television to enjoy the night's delectable, if Eric-light, offerings. But did the other viewings have this?













I think (or hope) not.

Watch It: The Vampire Diaries

My line by line spoilertastic stream-of-thought review of the pilot (at Bill's request) while watching. (*not a review of LJ Smith's Vampire Diaries novel series which, for the record, is hella awesome, ahead of its time, and full of risks*)

ugh, voiceover. hate voiceovers.

yeah, i get it vampire dude, you keep a diary.

ooooh, evil vampire with a bad case of fog is in town killing people.

wait - the ANGSTY HEROINE also keeps a diary?

you mean i gotta listen to TWO lame ass voiceovers??

AGHAGHAGH

hmmm - LITTLE BRO is cute and kinda interesting.

blah blah i'm an orphan blah blah so sad blah blah.

SASSY FRIEND might be psychic - cool angle.

blah blah i'm so misunderstood and popular blah blah

man i am not into this "STEFAN" guy as a romantic interest.

also not into this ex-bfriend football jock "MATT" as romantic third wheel.

i could srsly beat the shit out of both these dudes with a phone book if i had to.

great - both diary keeping lameasses are awash in angsty issues - wah wah wah.

hmm - LITTLE BRO is popping up again on my radar -

he deals with issues with drugs and sex instead of journaling -

okay in real life you should journal, but guess what,

i don't want to watch your real life on television.

uh oh - fog-vampire strikes again!

run STEFAN, you pansy, run from the blood!

ah, fog dude is DAMON aka STEFAN's bro. and HOT. and Ian Somerhalder.

things are looking up.

(note to parents: naming your kid DAMON ups his chances of turning out evil)

Vampire fight! Vampire fight! Vampire fight!

turns out lame-ass ANGSTY HEROINE may be some past life reincarnation -

of a chick both dudes were into that may have led to their mutual hatred.

guess what guys -

knowing her in a past life doesn't make the jail bait angle any less icky -

just so we're clear: past life defense does *not* work on statuatory rape charges

i don't care if you look eighteen.

on the inside you're a crusty old dude.

who am i kidding.

this show is a guilty pleasure treasure trove.

and DAMON'S hot.

i'll watch.

Watch It For Frak's Sake: Glee

This post isn't to convince you to watch Glee. Just like I'm not going to convince you to eat right, exercise or quit smoking. You just should. And if you don't, hey, maybe you're genetically wired so it's okay or maybe it's your funeral. Whatever.

This post is about watching Glee and reliving that high school experience. Including:

- The Drinks! Wine coolers and shots. I woulda brought Zima if I could find it anywhere. And yes, that's Sara in the middle doing a shot of Dasani. Hydration's important, kids.
















- The Food - remember when you could eat junk food and not get heartburn? Oh, the joy.














- The Cliques - we had ourselves some athletes and a flag girl!




















- The Friends - especially the ones that bring you Glee hats (thanks Terrence!!! - and I have no idea what's up with that picture on the right)

Multitask Him: Frank Portman

A guy you can read and listen to? Double fan girl op!

Frank Portman read from his latest book, Andromeda Klein, and performed songs off his..album...repertoire??...er...performed some of his hilarious songs at last night's Not Your Mother's Book Club event.


He was even nice enough to dedicate a song to birthday girl (and my favorite stalking opportunity) - CONNIE! Happy 21st Bday, girl!

(I caught Ingrid with her eyes closed - sorry!! and Sophie Littlefield is chilling in the background - you can get a peek of her head!)

Best part of the night - catching Mary in full out singalong! This girl likes to rock out.


Ok, so I haven't read Frank Portman's hit King Dork nor his new novel Andromeda Klein, although I did pick up an autographed copy of the former at the signing. So I can't recommend his books. But Time Magazine does so why do you need a schmoe like me to chime in?

What I can tell you is that his music is easy on the ears, often funny, sometimes heartfelt and even educational. I learned me a new french word - ramone! It's worth picking up.

Build It: A Planter Box

We tested the soil for a year and successfully yielded crops so it was time to commit to a bonafide planter fox in the back.




Step 1 - Assess your space. We had a makeshift mini planter box where we tried our first crop but really the space can handle twice the box.








Step 2 - Plan out the pieces you need and how they'll interlock. We used notched pieces to accomplish this.







Step 3 - Buy the materials, cut them to size, and put them together.


Step 4 - Admire your final product. I may have forgot to mention that Step 0 is "marry someone who will do this while you sunbathe on the deck."

Try It: Clarins High Definition Body Lift (aka Contest Winner)

I held a contest for blog readers or twitter followers to guess what the heck I'm doing in this picture in which I'm at San Francisco's AMC Van Ness Movie Theater:

There were some creative guesses but no one got the answer - which is that I'm trying out the instructions for this puppy:
That veritable mini-book in my hand is the instructions for this "body lift" (aka cellulite) cream. You probably think you know how to put on lotion. Squirt into Hand. Slap on. Right?

WRONG!

This cream requires precision application. You have to start at one point in your body and end elsewhere. You need to use a specific kind of sweeping motion. You really need to read the actual instructions to appreciate this (don't bother with the truncated online directions.) Personally, I think any cellulite reduction is correlated to the aerobic workout you get just by putting the friggin' cream on.

Anyhoo - I still wanted to award the prize so I had the owner of this photo pick a winner and she chose:

Whitney Miller!
For her answer: Sliding into homeplate during vampire baseball

I want to disclose that Whitney is a friend, and normally this would be a blatant case of favoritism, but hey, I didn't pick her!