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Watch One (guess which): My Sister's Keeper and Transformers 2

I've been diligently involved in movie watching from 5:30pm to 3:30am and will have a blog post up later in the day with my reviews and what I'm pressure sure was an inadvertent CONNIE stalking (although she was behind me in line).

Check back later but until then, please enjoy this other blog post on why I suck so hard at writing.

****UPDATE****

My spoilertastic reviews of My Sister's Keeper and Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen - written during the movie.

Already crying during preview for Time Traveller's Wife. This does not bode well for me.

Sister's Keeper premise is simple: a young girl, conceived as donor material for her cancer stricken sister, sues for rights to her body effectively condemning her sister to death.

Don't like this crazy mom vs even tempered dad portrayal. Why are moms always portrayed as crazy?

Joan Cusak as Judge hearing the case = as much emotional punch as the whole book! Damn, she's good.

Thomas Dekker (aka John Connor from the Sarah Connor Chronicles) as the romantic interest - nice! This whole prom sequence between two cancer stricken kids is so devastating.

Must find this mellow version of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun! Great song and I love mellow covers!

Less courtroom drama than expected. Why under utilize Alec Baldwin if you have him?

Movie begs the question - what would you do in this situation? I don't know - I don't ever want to know.

Deathbed scene - kids can be so much better than adults at these things. Why do adults try to make things better when they can't?

Okay - my friend JD just cracked up next to me during the emotional climax of the movie when the mother accepts her child's inevitable death. Apparently Cameron's not doing it for her.

Verdict: very watchable, but multiple timelines and unclaimed narratives make it chaotic.

Trailer for Mayan Prophecy movie 2012 - was hoping to skip this film but Chewitel Ejifor is in it so I must see!!

Onto Transformers 2.

Um...why is Optimus Prime giving me a history lesson? It's 17,000 BC? REALLY? Transformers were amongst us then? Uh oh. This does not bode well for the story.

Hottie Josh Duhamel leads a team of military personnel and Autobots to hunt down Decepticons who are up to something. But what?

Apparently Transformers can smell. Don't ask me how.

Apparently Transformers also fall prey to racial stereotypes. Don't ask me why.

Shia's hilarious parents are making this movie as they ship their kid off to college.

Uh oh - sliver of All Spark cube was dormant in Shia's....shirt. Yes - his shirt!! All shit's about to break loose cuz someone doesn't do his laundry.

Okay - let's limit all movies to one dog humping joke, k?

US Flag Count - 1 (exclusive of uniforms and airplanes)

Uh oh - Prez's lame advisor just gave Decepticons the location of rest of All Spark and their fearless Megatron leader. Crap. They're coming after Shia, the rest of the All Spark AND Megatron now.

Shia's college roommate is a kitten calender entrepreneur and conspiracy theorist. Me likey.

This is some kind of super hot university. Like super duper hot.

Uh oh - only Optimus Prime can kill this one evil "Fallen" dude who is after something on earth. Convenient.

Rainn Wilson from The Office as pompous college professor! He cleans up nice- almost like Joshua Jackson.

Apparently in addition to being super hot university, this is super hot AND slutty university. Oh look -if you're super hot and slutty then you're probably a Decepticon. Run Shia, Run!!! Run Megan, Run! But uh...can Megan run in slow motion? Oh good.

Uh oh - Optimus is dead and Decepticons have had it with fair play - they're coming to take over unless they get Shia whose brain has a map to...something...important...I think.

US Flag #2 on submarine
US Flag #3 on NY bridge.
US Flag #4 on TV in background.

Shia on the run with roommie and hottie Megan Fox - they head straight to John Turturro from the first movie who is now a conspiracy theorist himself and thinks he's seen Transformer symbols all over the world at ancient sites.

US Flag #5 in deli - oh - flags #6 and #7 are old school flags in deli basement.
US Flag #8 in museum hanger where they are going to find an old Decepticon who can decipher old Transformer symbols.

Old Decepticon has switched sides to Autobats and is apparently Scottish? And can teleport. Fine. And likes exposition - as in Shia needs to get to a key before the Decepticons find it and start some crazy machine that will suck the sun's energy. Plus he can probably use the key to bring Optimus Prime back to life so he can kill that Fallen guy.

The key is "protected" by the corpses of seven Prime Transformers who gave their lives to protect the key.

We just resorted to midget humor. Can Josh Duhamel save the world AND this movie? Wait - maybe he can! He's just given the Prez's lame advisor the comedic boot! Woohoo!

We have too many friggin' autobots and too many characters coming in for one liners and I don't care omg I don't care!!! AGH!!!

Woohoo - they have the key although it wasn't that "protected" since uh...they just broke through a flimsy wall and picked it up. Ah, ok, the key just turned to dust. So now Shia's walking around with a sock full of dust.

Josh just manhandled a chicken. That was pretty funny.

Dude you don't need to have the "what if this sock full of dust doesn't work" conversation - we had it like five minutes ago. I get it - it might not work but you BELIEVE it will work and that's enough, great, move on, k?

Shia's super obvious stunt double just ran his little heart out.

Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox just had more chemistry crying over Shia's dead body than Shia and Megan have had the whole entire movie. This is because Josh has chemistry with a chalkboard.

Ok you know that scene where the ninja warrior transcends to another plane to seek wisdom from his ancestors? That just happened. Only instead of ninja warriors it's Shia. And instead of ancestors it's Transformers. And instead of wisdom it's lame advice that makes the sock full of dust reform to a key.

Optimus is brought back to life and he and the Fallen are going toe to toe! Optimus is getting his ass kicked - but here comes old-fogey Scottish Decepticon with his energy source and parts - giving his life so Optimus can live. (Scottish Decepticon just effectively had more character arc than Shia, fyi.)

Optimus wins! Fallen Dies! Megatron declares "this is not over." Trust me...two hours and fifteen minutes into this and I KNOW it's not over yet.

Oh ok...hugs. Kisses. Now it's over. Whew.

Do Mix: Sarah Dessen, Chosen One Giveaway, Critique Group Meetup, Grog Hello, and CONNIE!

Yes, I was on fire at Not Your Mother's Book Club's Sarah Dessen event.

First, I met 3/5 of my lovely new YA critique group group - YA, That's Why: Mary (not pictured as she was in charge of event photos), Whitney and Ingrid.


Then, as usual, I stalked my favorite partner in book-signings, Connie! Like any good stalker, I'm interested in everything about her - including her lunch. She declined the yummy sliders and grilled cheese sandwiches provided at the event in favor of her mother's packed lunch - yes, that's spam - looks good though, doesn't it?




















I also got to hang out with fellow Pens Fatales grogger, Sophie Littlefield, who arrived with her super fashionable daughter in tow. I don't have a picture of her outfit but she was working gladiator sandals, denim capris, a western shirt and a braided hip slung wide belt. So cute!

The author of honor, Sarah Dessen, made the rounds and spoke with each table. She also read an excerpt of Along For The Ride - showcasing an incredible range of characterization, theme work, and plot within a few short pages.


On our way out, we received free passes to an early showing of My Sister's Keeper, a free random ARC and a copy of The Chosen One. Since I already have a copy - I'm giving away this one to a random person who comments by midnight Friday, June 26th - I'll ship anywhere.

Watch It: The Proposal

Before I regale you with my spoilertastic review of The Proposal (written during the movie in real time), let's get a disclaimer out of the way.

In The Proposal, a publishing executive blackmails an assistant into feigning marriage to avoid deportation, but actual sparks fly during their weekend get-to-know-you-so-we-can-fool-the-overly-zealous-INS-agent.

Sandra Bullock = older publishing executive.
Ryan Reynolds = younger (so so so hot) assistant

I'm fine with the age difference - kudos to Sandy not only for this film but for doubling up on on this wish-there-were-another-word-for-it-cougar-phenomenon with Bradley Cooper in her next movie.

But had the movie featured a male boss blackmailing a female assistant (age aside)....I honestly don't know what kind of a taste that would leave it my mouth. But I ignored that. And I'm asking you to ignore that. And here we go:

30 seconds into the movie and Ryan Reynolds is shirtless! Well done gods of gratuitous shirtlessness. Well done.

Hmm...Sandy rules with an iron fist but I don't think you would get far in publishing without being nice (uh oh...ass kissing alert) - most of the agents/editors I've come across have been friendly.

Sandy and Ryan have great riffing/banter/awkward touching thing going on - he's so brilliant @ his shtick. Even his facial expressions are awesome.

Okay - the premise is set - she needs a marriage to avoid deportation; he wants a promotion to editor and they're off to Alaska for his grandmother's 90th birthday weekend to break the news to his parents and get to know each other to pass the INS agent's upcoming test.

Oh look - Ryan Reynolds emoting @ being home! Hot eye acting! Hot eye acting!

Fashion note: Sandy's Louboutin heels + Birkin Bag = aaaawesome. Can editors afford this stuff? Sign me up. Oh no - oh no - Louis Vuitton in the water - save the Louis Vuitton luggage!

Hmm...twist: Ryan Reynolds lives in a McMansion and his family owns this town - he's clearly running from familial obligations to live out publishing dream.

Confirmed --> Ryan Dad + Ryan = issues.

OSCAR FROM THE OFFICE!!!! Playing hilarious overzealous waiter at the party.

Oh hello - Ryan's ex girlfriend. Like that she's nice. No one likes a catty ex-girlfriend - no one respects a guy who would date a catty, unlikeable person - well done, writers.

More great riffing from Ryan and Sandy as they fake a proposal story. Making me remember my love for Ryan from back in the Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place - the show that launched Ryan Reynolds and Nathan Fillion - Casting Genius!

Uh oh - a dog. Dogs in comedies are sorely overused and never cleverly. But dammit I'm still laughing!

Lovely quote from Ryan: "reading books...it makes me happy."

Oscar from the Office - now as stripper character! With awful Jazz Hands!!!

Ryan Reynolds engaged in angry physical labor - haaawwwt - thank you director/writer. Ryan Reynolds stripping? Um...hello. Don't even care that setup is completely unrealistic! Don't care!

1st Tear - Sandra Bullock talking about getting swallows tattoo after parents died.

Ryan singing, "It takes two to make a thing go riiiIIIIght" - how many ways can he be awesome? Infinity?

Oh look - Sandra has taken down her ponytail. Does this mean she's becoming a better person? Only bitches wear ponytails in movies, right?

Lovely quote from Sandra: "I hate nature." Yes, Sandy. Me, too.

OMG a dail up internet connection - do the kids even get this joke. Sigh, dial up days!

2nd Tear - Sandy's getting family love she's never had before.

Oscar from The Office as the marriage priest! Okay...they might be abusing Oscar - but I don't care.

3rd Tear - Sandy turns herself into INS instead of tainting Ryan's happy family with their fake marriage - gaaaahhh!

Oh he's running after her! AH THE KISS!!!! Man, I hate me some Scarlett Johansson-Reynolds right now.

Try It: Hard Stuff

My girlfriends and I are obsessed with The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Each Monday, six of us (seven if you count our hostess' husband) band together over yummy pastries to gawk at the dating show train wreck.

Certain phrases get overused by the contestants. Phrases like:
"I don't think so-and-so is here for the right reasons."
Or "I see myself having strong feelings for so-and-so."

And, my favorite: "This is the hardest thing I've had to do." Usually in reference to the decision to stop dating someone they've known for less than two months.

Really? REALLY? You guys are in your late twenties to early thirties. You've never:
1. Experienced the death or deterioration of a loved one or even a pet
2. Lost your job
3. Moved away from your family for college

Even if you haven't, you've been alive long enough to:
1. Suffer through 9/11 and its aftermath
2. See the financial decline of this nation manifesting in the loss of jobs and homes for family, friends and neighbors

Even accomplishments like:
1. Quitting smoking
2. Losing weight

These must all be harder than dating a complete stranger on national television and then not dating them anymore.

If not, I recommend stepping up your life.

ReWrite It: Twilight

A blog feature, inspired by my friend Rappin's question: "Could you have written XYZ better?" and my firm opinion: "No, the only novel I can write best is my own."

But I figured it would be fun to try.

So, without further ado - if I had written Twilight...

Bella: Hell no, I'm not moving to Forks - come on, mom! Be the parent!
Mom: Get your ass to Forks, Bella.
Bella: This sucks.
Edward: Oh damn she smells yummy...crap I can't...Carlisle would be pissed.
Bella: What's your problem, douchebag?
Edward: I just can't...ah hell...
(Edwards attacks and kills Bella.)
Edward: Sigh...this is soooo going to take some therapy to deal with

See - totally couldn't have written that awesome story because:
1. I don't like to write sacrificial female characters, and Bella sacrifices for her loved ones.
2. I've been hella hungry and enticed by yummy smells - and there's just no resisting it.
3. I like it when my characters fail

Kudos to Stephenie Meyer who can't be beat for romantic, suspenseful, addicting prose.

Winner Ellen Hopkins YA Critique

I usually use a research randomizer to pick a winner but decided to go the old fashioned route.

Step 1. Rip paper into tons of tiny pieces and write entry names on them


Step 2. Place said pieces of paper in a container


Step 3. Pick a lucky name

Here's the deal about the winner.

I entered this crazy YA world about six months ago - wrote a book, got an agent, and was told to network like crazy. I signed up for message boards and listservs and subscribed to authors' blog feeds, desperate to be taken seriously and acknowledged as a writer and not some hobbyist.

The winner of Ellen Hopkins YA critique is coincidentally the first person who reached out to me. I'd been posting/emailing/responding and everyone was nice (including many of the other entrants), but the person that won is the very first aspiring YA author who messaged me, unsolicited, and said - Hey, welcome - you're one of us.

So while I would have been happy with any winner, this one gives me an extra bit of gooey smushy goodness inside. To find out - visit my Pens Fatales post on First Lines after June 10th.

Win It: YA Partial Critique from Ellen Hopkins

Hi, my name is Martha and I have a gambling addiction. I lurve Las Vegas, Reno, Tahoe, Cruise Ships...anywhere games of chance can be found.

As a natural extension, I love online auctions. Maybe I just love winning. But this isn't a Psych 101 course on my problems.

I recently won an online auction for a critique on a partial from young adult author and New York Times bestseller Ellen Hopkins and am offering that partial up to one lucky unpublished author.*

All you have to do to win?

Visit the Pens Fatales grog, find my posting on the kind of writer I am, and comment with what kind of writer you are and that you'd like to enter the contest. Entries accepted through 10pm, June 9th, PST (bonus entry to Rebecca for catching my initial typo of July!). Winners will be announced on that grog when I post again on June 10th with my thoughts on First Lines.

Any comments posted here will not be considered for entry, but will be read and enjoyed nonetheless. :)

* Entrants should not have released an SCBWI recognized-published book in the past three years and should not currently be in contract. No, I'm not going to check this, but break the rules and it's your karma, buddy! Please be ready to submit your partial, up to 30 pages inclusive of query, within 30 days of winning.